Oh, Sleep….You B*tch

Rolling over to check the clock for the seventh time, I see it’s 2:34 am. The good news? I still have about three and a half hours until I need to get up. The bad news? I’ve been checking time since 11:00 pm AND I know I won’t fall asleep before then. Not like real sleep. Because of stupid annoying irritating aggravating menopause. What a bitch she is. I hate her.

I don’t think I’ve slept through the night in 2 years – but menopause is like dog years, only worse. So in that sense, I haven’t slept through the night in about 21 years. Couple that with looking over at my husband who is soooo completely snuggly nestle-y in our comforter that I can barely see him. Hateful. Just look at him… Pure sleepy bliss. In fact, I think I actually hear his eyes move. Must be in REM sleep. Lame, Adam. Lame. Oh wait. He’s rolling over undisturbed … big stretch. Hmmmm. No more eye movement so he clearly has entered the next level: deep sleep. Ugh. What a monster. Plus, deep sleep is where all the good stuff happens, y’all. Muscle, bone, and tissue repair. Long and short term memory build up. Energy Restoration. Better congnitive functioning and emotional processing. THE GOOD STUFF.

I GET NO GOOD STUFF!

I’m on top of the covers as if I’m laying out in the sun on vacation. Only there’s no sun. No vacation. No People magazine. No frozen Chi Chi. No towel service. No fantastic poolside french fries that cost $18 but are totally worth it. Nothing. Just heat. ALL the heat. Alternating ALL the night.

I give him my best “must be nice” cold stare whilst not ruling out an ‘accidental’ kick to the groin. I’m not saying I’m feeling stabby, but I’m not NOT saying it. And if I’m being honest, my mind says he’s probably sleeping like an angel bébé on purpose. Just to spite me. Because this is the only thing that makes sense to me at 2:34 am.

Quickly my brain changes gears as it often does when I find myself unable to partake in the joyful rest of slumber. Completely random memories that would never enter my mind during vertical moments, only horizontal, pop in like an old friend. Memories from my past that love to wave me down in the 2s, 3s, and 4s of the AM. This morning’s took me back to third grade where I remembered learning about Haikus. I mean, that’s normal, right? Who doesn’t want to celebrate and create a time honored Japanese way of poetry in the dead ass part of morn? Plus, it’s a simple three lines. First line: 5 syllables. Second line: 7 syllables. Third line: 5 syllables. And it’s in this insomniac mania that I start composing Haikus based on my current situation at 2:34 am. So naturally I thought I would share.

Amy’s Menopausal Sleep
This freaking sucks balls.
Covers off, SIGH, covers on,
Hot, cold, hot, cold, hot.

My Husband’s Blissful Sleep
Well, aren’t you a doll.
Ever sleepy and peaceful
Slumbering Asshole.

In Conclusion
Of course I love you.
But might love you slightly more
If you were awake.

Menopause is supposed to last years. Years. And again, ‘menopause years’ are not standard time increments. So I have a good 42 more years of this madness.

Although….that IS a lot of time to add additional super awesome Haikus to my sleepless portfolio. Interesting.

Although maybe instead of taking a stab at my husband, I’ll take a stab at crafting a Cinquain next time. TBD, y’all. Tee. Bee. Dee.

And if you have an equally fantastic Haiku on the joys of aging,
PLEASE add yours in the comments! I’d love to read them!

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Graphic: https://tenor.com/view/wide-awake-insomnia-ive-never-been-so-tired-in-my-life-vintage-gif-15764472