Weight a Freaking Minute! Not AGAIN!?!?!

Well, here the hell I go again! I’ve been a member of Weight Watchers for over 30 years. I went in to update my ‘starting weight’ for 2020….because after all: “New Year, New You.” Right? That phrase makes me want to vomit. Let’s be REAL clear…..I don’t just start a diet on January 1st. I start diets ALL the time. Other than the obligatory diet start date of a January 1st – my only other rule when beginning one throughout the year – it has to be on a Monday. Nobody is going to start on a Friday or Saturday. That’s absurd. Those days are for margaritas and queso. Or any other day of the week if you are in my current state of wheels off. Sunday feels like the last day of the weekend – so I’m not going to put down the Fritos and bean dip then. Who starts ANYTHING on a random Tuesday. You see where I’m going with this? Is it throwing me off a tad to start over [AGAIN] on a Wednesday? A little bit, sure. But I’ll give it a go because I’m not a quitter! As mentioned – member of WW for 30+ years and haven’t quit yet. 🙌 I will say, however, when I did type my weight in this morning and this message popped up “Are you sure you mean to track this weight?” it stung a little. You too, Weight Watchers? Just cash your $16.88 for the month and table the judgement.

It feels as if I’ve been watching my weight since birth. This endless seesaw of being fat versus being thin hasn’t always been pretty or healthy. The obsession over my appearance started about 46 years ago when I noticed that I was constantly being compared to my brother Andy. Why? Because we are twins. Before I go any farther – let’s start with a visual…

My dad used to (lovingly) joke that Andy came out before me only because he was hungry since I hogged all the food in utero. Then, around two years old I started to sprout out. Not up. Out. Andy, stayed disgustingly thin. Let’s be clear, when I use the word ‘disgustingly’ it is laced with nothing but sincere jealousy and admiration. Accompany my growth with twin comparison comments about how I was SO much bigger than he was. To my face. Really? THAT’S the biggest difference between us? The weight? Not the hair color? The personality differences? The genitalia? Nope – always the weight. Y’all, please! Twins, especially fraternal, can look exceptionally different. (You got the part about me telling you he was a dude, right?) Interestingly, when strangers found out that my parents had a set of twins, they often assumed that my older brother Scott and I were the twins. Awesome. What little girl doesn’t want people to assume that she is 4 years older than she really is based solely on her size? Fantastic. Being a twin though, meant I couldn’t escape the ping ponging of people’s eyes between us.

In addition to the constant bewildered barrage of “Y’ALL are twins?!?!” I also had this fantastic loving grandmother in Mississippi who would literally not allow you to just have one serving of food. The minute more than 50% of your plate was visible she immediately started doling out seconds of big boy peas (it’s a thing and the irony of the name is not lost on me), another slice of cornbread dripping with real butter, green beans soaked in lard with bits of ham hock, creamed corn with gravy – yes gravy, and/or ambrosia salad. If you turned her helpings away she took it as a personal slight to her cooking. She left you with the impression that you callously broke her heart on purpose with no regret. What monsters break their MeMe’s heart?!? So I ate until I was almost sick – and then, of course, had dessert(s). My Meme also appreciated a ‘healthy’ look. Maybe it was from growing up during the Depression? In her mind, large people were healthy, thin people were sick. So if you ever looked too thin for her taste, she would accuse you of being near death. I witnessed her constantly telling the lanky women in our family “You need to go see a doctor. It’s not right to be that thin.” Or “You look sick. Probably cancer.” Now we all knew nobody was sick. But y’all…that was the ULTIMATE compliment. I strived my entire life to hear just once my grandmother question my health based on the circumference of my waist. And here’s the REAL kicker!!!! SHE WAS THIN!

In my infinite search for the Holy Grail of Thinness, I believe I may have tried almost every diet ever created. In no particular order, other than the simple act of remembering, here is what I’ve attempted in my 40+ years:

Weight Watchers (obviously)
Quick Weight Loss
Nutrisystem
Jenny Craig
Phen/Fen
Keto
Intermittent Fasting
Grapefruit Diet
Cabbage Soup Diet
Scarsdale Diet
Atkins
Beverly Hills Diet
South Beach Diet
The Zone Diet
Slimfast
Formula One
Apple Cider Vinegar Diet
Baby Food Diet
Cereal Diet
Whole 30
Bouillon Cubes
Ayds Diet Candy
Tab Cola and Prayer
Mystery pill from my trainer years ago 😳

Now please save the comments with the irritatingly positive “It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle change.” That’s not any better. It’s just more of that politically correct bullshit that takes a word with a negative connotation (diet) and makes it sound not so horrible (lifestyle change). A lifestyle change sucks too because it means I can’t spread Nutella on a rice krispy treat whenever I want. Call it what you will, but I don’t like the idea of either.

Have I been heavier? Sure. Have I been smaller? 100%. Do people tell me I look fine the way I am? Irritatingly – yes. I appreciate that-ish. First off, people lie all the time. Second, your line of “you look great” cannot erase decades of self doubt. Thanks for trying to make me feel better though. Bottom line – I have a closet full of fabulous clothes that I’d like to get back in to – it’s just finding that balance with my body’s aging system versus aging. At 47, my body doesn’t respond to dieting the same way it used to. It’s SO. MUCH. HARDER. And it is in direct conflict with the mindset of an aging person who thinks – “I’m more than halfway through with my life. If I want to dip a double stuffed Oreo into whipped cream cheese and jelly – by God, I will.” I’m a grown ass woman. If you told me I could never have a warm loaf of fresh bread with creamy butter again I’d punch you in the throat. But….”are you sure you mean to track this weight?”

So yeah, fortieth verse, same as the first. Here the hell we go again.
With that said….

I have not tried Dolly’s diet yet. Fried chicken and mashed potatoes? How this could go wrong!!! Pass them taters!!!!

Happy 2020 y’all! See ya in the New Year!

I’ll probably be hangry.